In times when being a female is getting harder to navigate, it is a good time to examine some beliefs about manners and etiquette and what they mean for a woman in a 21st-century society. As an author of a book that takes place on the shelves, nestled amongst the etiquette books and style guides, it occurs to me that often, the word etiquette is limited to the topic of correct table manners. Another fallacious belief is that etiquette is stuffy, elitist, and belongs to the past.
My aim has always been to use good manners, etiquette, and a stylish approach to empower us. There is immense confidence to be gained from gracious manners. In the Victorian era, both children and women were expected to behave well, and whilst poise is a virtue to be nurtured and kept alive, there is much more to be drawn from it.
To be well behaved does not mean that we should be seen and not heard, as a 15th century clergyman suggested, on the contrary, it gives us power to be respected and taken seriously.
Igniting your inner princess
I often use the phrase “ignite your inner princess” as a metaphor for empowerment. Princesses are not meant to wear glass slippers, one size too small. In fact, from the toddler years, princesses are used to balancing life in their mothers’ heels, with a confidence that could only grow, if nurtured. Contrary to popular belief, princesses are not high maintenance, entitled beings, or damsels in distress. Princesses are the daughters of queens, possessing noble qualities and built-in power.
A graceful approach to life is not synonymous with suppressed. There is nothing powerful about making yourself smaller. Cultivating an inner poise can be a powerful tool for achieving success in all aspects of our lives, and using femininity with all the good associated with it can make us move mountains.
There is power in pink
Like many little girls, mine too was obsessed with pink. She was also besotted with tiaras, fairies, and all things glitter. She used to carry her little pink hard-shell bag wherever she went. One day, on the bus, an elderly man asked her what was in the bag. “I bet it is a doll,” the man said grinning, but his facial expressions soon changed when my daughter opened the clutches and pulled out her toy dragon with sharp claws and a flame of fire from its nose. Little princesses might be made of fairy floss, but pretty in pink they rule corporate worlds with their wands. Never underestimate the power of pink.
Kindness is king
A queen does not compete with her king, nor does she aspire to be one. She is comfortable in her skin. She advises against hiding your femininity for respect and knows that true power lies within, and projects outwards. She speaks with grace.
Every true queen knows to rule with kindness. Instilled with us in our mother's milk is the ability to use kindness as our currency. Real leaders don’t use threats and don’t weaponize fear. Queens are gracefully leading with example: they guide instead of guard, and they listen more than they speak. It is easier to forgive a faux pas at the dinner table than a wrongful action, so the queen shows her princess the value of manners before teaching her table etiquette. Kindness takes you places, doesn’t cost, and is universal in its language. Table etiquette differs.
Etiquette in books
If you haven’t been blessed with a Queen Mother, assisting you navigate life with style, etiquette books or books about manners and style are readily available from good bookstores. Lately, it seems like fantasy books featuring dragons and princesses have increased in popularity as have books in the historical fiction genre. Perhaps there is a hunger for powerful female characters who, despite their strength, display graceful qualities evoked from the past. Whether you are a fan of the quick-witted Ms Woodhouse or Tolkien’s Arwen whose “true beauty is her heart for others”, you will find a common gentility between them.
I believe that we all are queens, princesses, and royals in our own right. I also believe that by polishing our manners and challenging ourselves to excel with a confidence that shines brighter than cufflinks on a pin-striped shirt, we are all equipped with inner qualities designed to pull the dragon from our handbags, eloquently and with style.
For more advice on etiquette, manners, interior design tips and how to live your life with grace, elegance and poise, read the book “Tea with the Dutchess: How to do anything with style” by Kate Gawi.
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